Keep Digging

Not everything I write will be one size fits all. At times it may make people uncomfortable. Sometimes it may sound rooted in Christianity. Other times it may feel like I’ve lost religion all together. I write not to impress or to maintain conformity, but to tell my story in real time. This process is not easy for me.

We grew up with black and white thinking. Rules and beliefs created unity, but they also created conformity. Life now feels more layered, even messy, and far less predictable.

When I began transitioning from a story of certainties and checked boxes into a nonlinear journey, I entered a process filled with both curiosity and trepidation. I went from owning only the King James Bible to sitting at a desk now lined with multiple versions: a Life Application Study Bible, a cultural background study Bible, a women’s study Bible, devotionals, and journals filled with questions. My shelves now hold works by C.S. Lewis, Henri Nouwen, N.T. Wright, and Richard Rohr, voices that once felt ironically too “secular” to welcome into my home.

I have a beautiful book by Marty Solomon, who hosts the BEMA Podcast, encouraging readers to ask better questions of the Bible. When I met him, he wrote inside the cover,

Keep digging.

I am.

I no longer shy away from climbing out of the box. I am digging into what Jesus actually taught, apart from the systems that formed later when structure was needed to build religion. As I dig, I find myself returning again and again to the recorded words of Christ. They remain steady and grounding, calling us not only toward spiritual devotion but toward engagement with humanity, care for the vulnerable, and love without harsh judgment.

Growing up with beliefs handed to you before you could walk or speak creates a deep need to dig. To allow room for doubt and questioning. Not because God has failed me, but because I am beginning to believe He welcomes the seeking.

People ask where I stand in my beliefs. I do not have a simple answer. Labels feel too small for the process I am in. I have not turned my back on Jesus. If anything, I am trying to understand him more honestly. I am not moving away from Jesus. I am moving closer to the heart of what he taught. I am drawn to the possibility that his message was always larger than rigid religion, rooted in love, humility, mercy, and connection.

I do not align with much of modern Christianity and the hypocrisies we continue to witness. I am not a regular churchgoer, and we do not follow strict traditions in our home. Still, I cherish the times we gather with dear friends for fellowship and shared faith.

The digging will continue.

I am unraveling, but in a curious and trusting way. The chaos and fear that once accompanied uncertainty are loosening their grip. I am allowing myself to love and to release expectations of where my beliefs should land. Love feels like the truest foundation I have left, and it is enough to keep walking.

I graze books on spirituality and enlightenment not as ultimate sources of meaning, but with fascination at how our shared longing for connection, awareness, and compassion echoes the life and teachings of Christ. The more I explore, the more I see that Jesus did not lead with rigid religion. He moved toward people. He honored dignity. He embodied mercy. In many ways, he modeled a deeply human way of being in the world.

My prayers feel quieter and more spacious now. I find myself drawn to stillness, awe, and the mystery threaded through creation and consciousness. I hold other religions with greater softness, recognizing people everywhere searching for meaning, belonging, and connection.

I am still digging. Still trusting. Still open to wonder.

Love is where I meet God now.